(Words by T. Daly with L. Rankin and T. ten Brummelaar, Sung to ‘The Wall’, Apologies to Pink Floyd)
In the Flesh?
(The band – Fool’s Kingdom)
So ya!, Thought ya! Might like to go to the show,
To see Fools Kingdom play in this vampire show,
Tell me is something eluding you sunshine,
We are not what you expected to see,
If you wanna find out what’s behind these closed curtains,
You’ll just have to wait for the show to begin
Smiling So Nice
(Trevor)
Theo loves his drumkit, And Les loves his guitar,
And we may look impressive to you, babe,
Because we’ve got a sex-symbol star,
Ooooo Play, Ooooo Play the Blues, Ooooo Play,
If you should start dating,
The one with the Ibanez guitar,
Be careful when you look, behind him to see,
A million... Year 7 girls,
Don’t be surprised, when they spit in your eyes,
And break all the toes in your feet,
They’ll lick out your brain and gargle your mind,
While your intestines flow out, behind you, as they’re smiling so nice
Another Gig in the Hall Pt 1
(Theo and Les)
Thorpy’s just, left the classroom,
Meeting Suzy carnally,
A snapshot in the high school album,
Thorpy why the crappy marks for me?
Thorpy why did I only get a D?
All in all it was just another gig in the Hall,
All in all it was all just gigs in the Hall
“You! Yes you! Play a drumfill Laddie!
The Crappiest Days of Our Lives
(Theo)
When we grew up and left this school,
There were certain teachers who would try to make us ex-students stay,
By telling us how much they would, like for us to play,
In a stupid vampire show that’s this year’s annual play at the school,
But ofcourse we said no way, but they offered us $800 to be the band for the show and well we couldn’t let the old school down now could we?
Another Gig in the Hall Pt 2
(The band and school kids)
We don’t need no Heathcote High School,
We don’t need no volume control,
No dark sarcasm in the music room
Harding, leave the band alone,
Hey teacher, leave this band alone,
All in all it’s just another gig in the Hall
All in all it’s just another gig in the Hall
Teacher - Wrong, do it again, wrong, do it again
If you don’t keep the beat, how do you know what you’re playing?
How do you know what you’re playing if you don’t keep the beat?
If you don’t keep the beat, how do you know what you’re playing?
How do you know what you’re playing if you don’t keep the beat?
You, yes go and plug the PA in, play a drumfill Laddie!
Trevor
(Les and Theo)
Trevor, can you play this Eb line?
Trevor, can you play in 12/8 time?
Trevor, can you transpose this A# chord?
Oooo Aaaaa, Trevor, can you play bass at all?
Trevor, yes we’ll run through it again,
Trevor’s not real good, but he’s one of our friends,
Trevor, can you try just playing the root line?
Oooo Aaaaa , can you try and keep in time,
Hush now Jimmy Baby, don’t you cry,
Trevor’s gonna play just what we tell him to do,
Trevor won’t lie on the floor, like Rob used to do,
Trevor’s just gonna play, all open strings,
We’ll let him play bass, but we won’t let him sing,
Trevor’s gonna keep the bassline simple but strong,
New.....Bass....., New....Bass..... New Bass,
Ofcourse Trevor’s gonna play it wrong,
Trevor, do you think you’re good enough?, Play E...
Trevor, do you think it’s sounding suss? Check your G...
Trevor, will you ever learn the correct part?
Oooo Aaaa, Trevor let’s go from the start,
Hush now Jimmy Baby, don’t you cry,
Trevor doesn’t have any girlfriends like you,
Trevor won’t get out of time, when we play the blues,
Trevor’s gonna tune up, before he plugs in,
Trevor will always break more than one string,
Trevor’s gonna keep the beat and not make a scene,
New.....Bass.... New... Bass.... New Bass,
You’ll do as the new bassist we need,
Trevor, don’t tune your D so high…
Goodbye New Amp
Look Mummy, there’s a weird band up on the stage
Ooo, Oooo, Oooo, Oooo, Oooo
Did, did, did, did you hear the off key ones?
Do, do, do you like these awful puns?
Did, did, did you ever wonder why we’ll get $800 when the union rates to play this stupid vampire show are so much more?
Ooo, Oooo, Oooo, Oooo, Oooo
Did, did, did, did you hear the off key ones?
Do, do, do you like these awful puns?
The Play is all long gone, but the pain lingers on
Goodbye, new amp, Goodbye, P.A., Goodbye, Goodbye
Empty Channels
(Theo)
What shall we use, to fill the empty channels,
Where we used to mike the drums,
How shall we stop Les, from playing too loud,
How shall I be heard at all…
Young Band
(The band)
We are just a new band,
Starting off in town,
Where are all the good gigs?
Whose gonna let this band play around?
Ooooo, we need a decent venue,
Ooooo, we need some groupie girls..
Will someone who likes this band,
Help us find some real fans,
We play rock ‘n’ roll but not country,
No way, we won’t play for free!
Ooooo, we need to find an agent,
Ooooo, we need some groupie girls..
(Telephone operator)
This is a collect call from Mr Kingdom to Mrs Kingdom will you accept the charges from Engadine? Now he’s hung up. Is this your residence? I wonder why he hung up? Is there supposed to be someone else besides your drummer there? This is Heathcote High calling are we reaching?.... See he keeps hanging up. Maybe its another band answering?...
(Groupie)
Oh my God, what a fabulous flute! Are all these your keyboards?
God, this speaker is bigger than my flat,
Ah, can I get a drink of water? Do you want some? Huh?
Oh wow! Look at this Sub! Want to do some Math?
What are you composing? Hello? Are you alright mate?
One of My Turns
(Jim)
Day after day, my beard turns grey,
And the top of my Rhodes has cracked up,
And night after night, we pretend it’s alright,
But Les has got louder, and Rob has got worser,
And nothing is very much fun anymore,
And I can feel, one of my turns, coming on,
I…. feel, that I could strangle Rob, and I could batter Les, and put my foot through Theo’s drum....
Arrrggghhh!!!!
NOW LISTEN ROB, ARE YOU GONNA PLAY THIS SONG?! OR ARE YOU GONNA FUCK AROUND?!!
DON’T LOOK SO FRIGHTENED LES, THIS IS JUST A PASSING PHASE,
ONE OF MY BAD DAYS!
Would you like to play in key, or get the music sheets, or play this straight at least once today? Would you like to keep the beat?
Would like to learn to play? Would ya? Yes I’d like to see you try!!
Ahhhh, nooo....!!!
Rob you just don’t have the chops,
And we think it’s time you stopped, why are you playing that way.....?
Please Leave Us Now
(Theo and Les)
Oooo Rob..... please leave us now,
We’re afraid it’s the end of the road,
You don’t remember how the songs went,
We don’t need you, Rob
We’ll get someone better who’s one of our friends,
Ooo Rob, please leave us now,
Yes you should go, when you know we don’t need you (need you)
To play Billy Joel on a Saturday Night
Ooo Rob, please leave us now,
How can you treat us this way?, Playing that way,
Ooo Rob, why are you playing that way??......
New...... Bass..... New..... Bass....
Another Gig in The Hall Pt 3
(The band)
We don’t need no female singer,
Or a name like ‘Middle Earth’
We are stuck here playing in the Hall
Don’t think we’re paid anything at all!
No, don’t think we want broken strings at all,
All in all it was all just gigs in the Hall,
All in all it was all just gigs in the Hall,
Goodbye Shure Mic
(Theo)
Goodbye Shure Mic,
I needed you today,
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye,
Goodbye all you drum stores,
There’s nothing you can say,
To make me pay that price, goodbye
Hey You
(Les)
Hey you, out there in the Hall, In seat number 124,
Can you hear me?
Hey you, standing in the aisles, with smelly feet and lots of piles,
Can you hear me?
Hey you, don’t let them, cover their ears…
Don’t worry, I’ll turn myself up
Hey you, five miles down the road, playing keys on the Rhodes,
Can you hear me?
Hey you, with your ear against my amp, don’t you get my speakers damp,
Can you hear me?
Hey you, do you think I should turn myself up?…
I think it’s got, too much bass…
(Theo)
But it was only his volume knob,
He played so loud he used to drown out Rob,
No matter what we said he would not shutup!
And the band beats into his brain…
(Les)
Hey you, out there on the road, always ignoring uniform code,
Can you hear me?
Hey you, out there beyond the Hall, sitting on the school wall,
Can you hear me?
Hey you, don’t tell me you can’t hear no more.....
The distortion’s OK, but it needs more delay (delay, delay, delay...)
Can Anybody Play Bass?
(The band)
Can anybody play bass? Can anybody play bass!?
Play on My Own
(Jim)
I got a little black book with my chords in,
I got a bag with some plugs and some leads in,
When I play badly they sometimes throw something at me,
I got elastic bands keeping my beard on,
I got those, electric piano blues,
I got thirteen channels on my mixer to plug in and choose from,
(Ric)
I got a BIG spotlight,
When they see me they’ll get a fright,
I got amazing, powers of masturbation,
And that is how I know, when I try to get through,
To buy a Playboy or two, You won’t give me a loan....
I’ve got the obligatory Liberace chains,
And the inevitable chocolate stains,
All down the front of my favourite Hawaiian shirt,
I got chunky gold rings on my fingers,
I got a silver cross on a chain,
Got a Yamaha piano to prop up my self-portrait frames,
(Jim)
I’ve got wild, staring eyes,
And I got a strong urge to fly,
...But Germany is a long way to fly to (fly to, fly to)
Oooo Hey, when I need to compose...
I’ll just play on my own...
I got a pair of desert boots, And I still can’t get a root...
Scrap It
(Theo)
Does anybody here remember ‘Cold as Ice’?
Remember how it went, in the middle bit?
Something in A?
SCRAP IT!, SCRAP IT!
Let’s not play it any more,
Does anybody else in here, feel the way I do?
Leave the Rhodes Alone
(Jim)
Leave the Rhodes alone!!
Leave the Rhodes alone!!
Don’t touch my synth or I’ll break your bones..!!
Leave the organ alone!!!.....
Can anybody, play bass?
Bought A Dud Drum
(Theo)
Hello, is there anybody in there?
Just come and see what I’ve bought, It didn’t cost that much,
Come on now, it’s something I really need,
And I, can show you how, I can use it in the band,
Relax, I’ll check the intonation first,
With just some basic whacks, to make sure that this thing works,
There is no sound, that I’m receiving,
A distant drumstroke, that’s not surprising,
There’s nothing coming through that stays,
My sticks move, but I can’t hear what I’m playing,
When I was a child, I had a Tama,
My plans were to just get two tom toms,
But now I’ve got that feeling I’m ripped off,
I can’t explain, this is not what I want, Now, I can’t jam...
Cause I..........have bought a dud drum...
OK, just a little drum hit, There’ll be no more.. (Crash..Arrrgghhh!!!!)
But I now need a new drumstick…
Can’t get the stand up, Oh I do believe it’s working, good,
Gaff tape will keep me going through the show,
Come on, it’s time to go,
There is no sound, that I’m receiving,
A distant drumstroke, that’s not surprising,
There’s nothing coming through that stays,
My sticks move, but I can’t hear what I’m playing,
When I was a child, I always hit the rims,
A better kit is what I need to buy,
I turned to look, but it was gone,
I cannot put my wages on it now, the skin is blown, my money’s gone,
Cause I...........have bought a dud drum....
The Show Is Not On
(Trevor)
Aaaaa, Aaaaa
Rockstar, I’m a Rockstar,
Must the show go on?
Oooo Les, not so loud (not so loud)
Oooo Jim, no so fast (not so fast)
There must be some mistake,
I didn’t mean to let them take my percussion,
Am I too loud? Am I too late?
Rockstar, I’m a Rockstar, where has the audience gone?
Rockstar, I’m a Rockstar, will I remember the songs?
Oooo, that’s right…, Tonight the show’s not on…..
In the Flesh
(The band)
So Ya!, Thought Ya! Might like to go to the show,
To hear ‘Fool’s Kingdom’ play, in a school Dracula show,
Well I’ve got some bad news for you sunshine,
We don’t feel well, so we’re not going to play,
And you can find another band, we don’t give a damn,
And we’re going home now, so just give us our pay….
Are there any musos in the theatre tonight?
Get ‘em up on the stage, (against the wall!)
There’s one in the spotlight, but he’s only got one arm,
Get him up on the stage, (in the Hall!)
And that one’s a drummer, and that one’s no good,
Who wants to play this shit, and get thrown at with food,
There’s one playing a kazoo, and another with spoons!,
If I had my way...., I’d make you all play in tune!
Pun Like Hell
(Trevor and Les)
(Pun, pun, pun, pun, pun, pun, pun, pun)
You’d better make your face up in your favourite disguise,
With your Groucho Marx glasses and fake bloodshot eyes,
With your Whoopie cushion, and your worms in the drink,
And the green slime that, will block up the sink,
And the crappy jokebook that’s tucked under your arm,
With the sick joke about the funny farm,
You better pun!
(Pun, pun, pun, pun, pun, pun, pun pun)
Theo’s gonna pun all day, and pun all night,
Just make sure, that you tell them right,
And if you think that they won’t, last the night,
You better run to the car, but keep outta sight,
Cause if they catch you in the backseat, looking up more jokes,
They’re gonna punch you in the head until you croak!
You better pun!
Waiting for the Builder
(Theo) (Een, twee, drie, vier..)
Oooooo, you cannot reach me now,
Oooooo, no matter how you try,
Goodbye Engadine, it’s over, walk on by,
Sitting here at Coogee, here in my new room,
Waiting for, the builder to come, (builder to come)
Trying to write a song, here in my new room,
Waiting for, the builder to come, (builder to come)
(Builder) Now will all Coogee residents note this house is being renovated and you cannot enter the construction zone because we will soon be...
(Waiting) To cut out the old wood,
(Waiting) To clean up the backyard,
(Waiting) For the builder, to come,
(Waiting) To put down the concrete,
(Waiting) To rebuild the kitchen,
(Waiting) To put in the windows and lacquer the floors,
(Waiting) For the cleaning solution to unblock the drains,
(Waiting) For the builder, to come,
(Waiting) To re-tile the showers and refix the oven,
(Waiting) A very long time for the floorboards to dry,
(Waiting) For the builder to come,
Would you like to see, Theo’s house so neat again, my friend?
All you have to do is follow the plans,
Would you like to sit, on the coloured cushions in the lounge again? My friend?
All we need to do, is check the staircase is firm....
(Builder) This is a construction zone, we need to turn off the electricity to do the work so there will be no power... No you can’t have power in the basement for band practice, there is no power… I don’t care if you have a gig at the ASN Hotel, there is no power! etc.
(The Band) Power! Power! Power! Power! POWER! POWER!
Stop
(Trevor)
Stop! I wanna go home,
Take off this bass guitar and leave the show,
I’m bashing out my brain, because I have to know (have to know),
Have I been out of tune all this time?
The Assembly
(Head Teacher)
Good morning Principal,
The staff will plainly show,
The band that now stands before you
Was caught red-handed, playing music,
Playing music of an almost reasonable standard,
This will not do,
(Principal) “Call the Music Master!”
(Mr Harding)
I always said they’d come to no good in the end, why bother!
If they’d let me have my way, I would have made them play Bach straight,
But my hand’s were tied, they think they’re rockstar artists, who play songs they always murder, Don’t let them jam again today...
(Les)
Crazy, we don’t play Angels, are you crazy?.... yes we play Chisel....
And we’re not playing The Eagles... no way!!
(School assembly kids)
“Crazy, they won’t play Angels, they are crazy”
(Mr Aitken)
You little shits, you’re in it now,
I hope they throw away your gear,
You should have played Disco more often than you did, but no!
You had to play your own songs, have you made any money lately?
Just 5 minutes, Principal, and I’ll destroy the Rhodes
(Betty – Les’s Mum)
Baaaaababyyy...... Come to mother Leslie, let me hold you in my arms,
All I ever wanted was for him to play acoustic,
Why’d he ever buy that Ibanez? When he should have got an Epiphone…
(Theo)
Crazy, we won’t play Disco, are you crazy?.... we don’t stoop that low..
There must have been a DJ in the Hall, before we came in!!
(School assembly kids)
“Crazy, they even like Rainbow, they are crazy”
(Principal)
The evidence inside the Hall, is incontrovertible,
There’s no need for the School Board to decide,
In all my years of teaching, I have never heard mention,
Of some band more deserving, of the full lunchtime detention,
The way you made us suffer,
With your Police, Floyd and Zappa,
Fills me with an urge to.....TAKE UP BASS!! (‘No anything but bass!’)
Since ex-students and friends, you can’t play well at all,
I sentence you to be expelled, and thrown out of the Hall!
OUT OF THE HALL...!!!!!
(School Assembly)
OUT OF THE HALL!, OUT OF THE HALL!
OUT OF THE HALL!, OUT OF THE HALL!
(Crash, bang, crunch, blam etc. of gear being thrown out)
Outside the Hall
(Trevor)
All alone or in twos,
The ones who really help you,
Walk, backwards and forwards, outside the Hall,
Some carry the speakers,
Some just like, hanging round bands,
Some thieving arsehole bastard, stole my mikestand,
And when the roadies have left the Hall,
Some will stagger and fall, and collapse screaming,
When you tread on Theo’s cymbals you get a kick in the balls…
(The End)